Different strokes for Different folks
For the past 5 weeks we have been
following a series of teaching called, “Breaking Free: (Moving towards Wholeness”)
We opened up the series by looking into Eph 4:12-13, where we saw God wanted
all of us to be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the
knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole
measure of the fullness of Christ.” If that is what God’s intention for
all of us then why do most Christians struggle when it comes to maturity and
receiving the fullness of Christ? We learned that our past gets in the way from
reaching our full potential especially the negative side.
In Amos 7th chapter we
saw that God likened the nation of Israel to a tottering wall (fig 5)
that was flimsy, shaky and was to be destroyed any moment. We looked at how certain wrong
messages of our parents, teachers, peers and the media may have wrongly
influenced and shaped our lives. Unknowingly we built walls of defense to
protect ourselves from getting hurt. We
learned how people generally respond to hurt, depending on their personality
type. Those who are passive flee away in rejection and those who are aggressive
fight back in rebellion (fig 10).
These two responses are defense mechanisms to protect
themselves from getting further hurt. They build defensive walls of rejection
and rebellion. We looked at a few devastating bricks in the wall of rejection
(f11) such as sadness, self pity, self hatred, inferiority and depression. In
the wall of rebellion (fig 12) we saw hostility, pride, superiority, bitterness
etc. These walls may afford some degree of protection, but they also lock up a
part of our personality, affecting our ability to love, and trust and form meaningful
relationships. As we follow the human plumb line of rejection to its end, it
becomes apparent that the ultimate act of self rejection is Suicide.
If however, we rather follow the human plumb line of
rebellion as a reference point in life, we are more likely to end up with a
charge of Homicide. In this case, we have vented our wrath on another instead
of ourselves. The walls we build form personality profiles. Today we will
examine how far reaching the effects of these walls are on the individual,
family and society. The walls of course, are symbolic not only of our defense
systems, but also of personality types that begin to emerge from platforms of
rejection or rebellion. We will look at four possible personality profiles and
seek to understand how and why they are developed. These are not the only
forms, but are common personalities among us.
DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS.
As the American idiom “Different
strokes for different folks” suggests, different personality types behave
differently. In considering character development there are both inherited and
acquired aspects to personality. Studies show us that it’s not always easy to
establish the line between what is fixed and what is variable in personality. However
the scriptures do give us some guidelines. In our study we are looking at the
acquired or changeable aspects referred to in Ephesians 4:13, where Paul tells
us of the need to grow up into the completeness of personality in Christ. Let’s
look at the four possible personality profiles.
I. COMPLIANT
CHRISTIAN. (fig13)
With her plumb line of rejection
as a reference, the compliant Christians reach out toward significant authority
figures to fill her needs. The following statements may help us understand her
better: I will help you with anything you want; I will serve you at any time; I
will be loyal to you; I will always affirm you and love you; I will pray
regularly and faithfully for you. On the other hand she expects the authority
figure to: “Notice me; affirm me; be nice to me; Care about me; be around me
when I need you; never let me down or reject me.
The expressions of the compliant
Christian can be narrowed down to two sentences: I will do anything you want; please love me. Compliant persons can
be tremendous servers and assistants. Often one step ahead of their leader,
they are efficient and effective as well as sensitive and caring. Stemming from
an inordinate desire for affection and affirmation; immorality is often a snare
to them. They have hard time to say no; because they don’t want to be rejected
they tend towards procrastination and man pleasing.
The Prototype of the compliant
personality is found in I Samuel 15:24-31. After victory in battle, Saul
disregarded instructions God had given for the destruction of the Amalekites. Seeking approval and recognition from men, he
built a monument in his honor at Carmel .
Listen how the fearless king Saul had to say in his compliance. Vs 24, “I’ve
sinned. I violated the LORD’S command and your instructions. I was afraid of
the people and so I gave into them…Vs 30, “But please honor me before the
elders of my people and before Israel ;
come back with me so that I may worship the Lord your God.”
If we read the whole passage one
thing becomes clear, that is for Saul the honor, the affirmation, and the
recognition of people is more important than obeying God’s commands and
Samuel’s instruction. Because Saul
feared men and wanted their affirmation, he did not fear and obey God. This
compliancy led to a complete loss of his kingdom through a gradual, sad decline
of his leadership.
Let’s face it! many of us struggle
with “fear of man” In Proverbs 29:25,
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare ;( trap) but whoever trusts in the LORD
is kept safe.” We want to say as Paul said in Hebrew 13: 6, “So we say with
confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to
me? When the complaint personality receives too many setbacks, he may change
hats with the next personality profile which is “The Can’t Do it” Personality.
II.
THE
“CAN’T DO IT” PERSONALITY (Fig 14)
When we come closer to a “can’t do
it” personality we may hear him say some of these phrases at one stage or
another: No one cares about me anymore; No one bothers to tell me what’s
happening; Nobody has time to listen to me; Nobody visits me anymore; No one
likes me. The great struggle however for this person is to feel he is wanted or
useful. We may also hear him say: “It’s no use trying anymore; I’ve failed so
many times; I know I am a failure; I’ll
never be able to do it; I can’t go on anymore; I quit; I give up. This type of
negative profile is not an uncommon one in today’s society. The two major messages emerging include:
Nobody loves me; I give up.
In scriptures we find several
can’t do it type personalities. One classical example would be Moses. Do you
remember what happened to Moses when he was barely 3 years old? He was
abandoned by his parents in a small box in the Nile .
Can you imagine what message that might have sent to Moses at an early
stage? A message of rejection! Moses
finally fled for his life when rejected by his own people. Forty years later
when God called him to lead His people out of slavery; what was Moses’
immediate reaction?
In Exodus 4:1,10,13 we clearly
hear the voice of a can’t do it person in Moses. God had to perform two
miracles to convenience him; but even after seeing those miracles he still gave
excuses. He said; In vs 10, “I have never been eloquent, neither in the past
nor since you have spoken to your servant, I am slow of speech and tongue.”
In the end Moses says, “O Lord please send someone else.
When the enemy comes to you and says to you that you can’t do it except that
fact because you can’t really do it on your own but as the scripture suggests
you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. (Phil 4:13)
The reference point in life for the
“can’t do it” personality is a plumb line of rejection, just as it is for the
“complaint” personality. But instead of reaching toward their authority
figures, the can’t do it turns away, refusing any help. Often after receiving
so much hurt and pain from authority figures, their trust in others
progressively diminishes. Because they cannot face the thought of another
wounding experience, they withdraw from everyone into their armor.
Moving now from the passive lines
of rejection over to the more aggressive lines of rebellion, we will examine
two more personality profiles. The first personality prototype is more
aggressive in his approach to authority figures than his complaint counterpart.
III.
THE “COMPETITIVE” PERSONALITY (Fig 15)
We live in a highly competitive
world. No other personality profile relates more to this humanistic age and its
performance for love and acceptance. The programming of the competitive
personality is probably the most common in western cultures. Someone with a
competitive personality can often be overheard saying: “I can do it better than
any of you; I know it all. Just ask me; I’ll show you just how it should be
done; I am just the person you’ve been looking for. They come out strong on
themselves and strong on others with phrases like, “Don’t waste time taking a
vacation, don’t be emotional; be strong, don’t show your weaknesses. They give
no rest to themselves and no rest to others, they become workaholics.
On the other hand this person is
looking for some affirming feedback and may give some of the following
communication either verbally or non verbally: “Notice how well I do my job;
Notice my excellent gifts and skills; See how indispensable I am; Praise my
work and also me. Don’t ever tell me I am a failure. The message the
competitive personality is giving is: I am perfect. You have no option but to
love me.”
What may have caused this person
to be competitive? He has been subtly programmed from childhood, that to be
loved and affirmed, he must not only constantly achieve but continue to strive
to do even better. Imagine a marathon where one of the runners tries to sprint
the whole race? Can he win the marathon? No way! Sooner or latter his energy
levels drop and he quits running altogether. You can not always be competing
with others in life.
Growing up as a child I did not
receive much affirmation and acceptance from my father so I became a highly
competitive person in order to receive that affection from my father. Over the
years that desire to compete landed me in some serious troubles. A Biblical example of the competitive
personality is Jacob.(Gen 27-30). We see a sense of competition throughout his
life time. He cheats his brother, Esau, out of his birthright. He then deceived
his aged father for the first boron’s blessing, and is compelled to flee for
his life. The 20 years in Haran
hold little joy for Jacob, who meets his manipulative match in his uncle Laban.
Finally, after many years of performing
and competing Jacob comes to the end of himself. Remember during the trip to
meet his brother Esua, Jacob’s lifetime struggle against God culminates in a
wrestling match with the angel of the Lord. By the end Jacob is outwardly
crippled, but inwardly renewed. Once a performer and manipulator, Jacob became
“Israel ”
which means “Prince with God.” Another personality profile emerges around the
human plumb line of rebellion is the critical personality.
IV. THE CRITICAL CHRISTIAN. (Fig 16)
Here the person moves away from the
authority figure in a more aggressive manner. You may hear them say: “See how
perfectly I perform; I know I am right; just listen to me; I am in charge. On
the other hand, the critical personality may make some harsh, condemning statements,
such as the following: “You’ll never be any different; you’re a hopeless case,
that’s what you are; can’t you do it right; you always mess up, don’t you; It’s
all your fault. The message they are giving is I’m unlovable and so are you!
The critical personalities think
that they need to keep every body in check including the pastor. They throw
arrows of criticism and condemnation at people to hurt them. Underneath this
hard exterior are some very challenging presuppositions. First, he or she has
lost faith in love. After being hurt in so many relationships, she has given up
on love, concluding that she is unlovable. Instead of handling this hurt by
passively withdrawing into some armor like the can’t do it Christian she has
reacted aggressively attacking others to convince them they, too are unlovable.
Judas, the betrayer of Jesus is the
perfect portrayal of a critical personality. In becoming negative and critical
of Jesus and the disciples, he condemned not only the woman who anointed Jesus’
feet with ointment, but blamed Jesus for allowing it to be wasted. In Judas’
case his critical spirit eventually led him to betray the Son of God. His
bitterness and self-hatred finally brought him to end his own life in suicide.
As we have examined these four personality profiles it is
important to consider what your own profile may be. It is helpful to recognize
that we are not limited to only one! I initially developed a very complaint
personality, moved into a can’t do it personality and later evolved more
competitive traits to cope with my particular love deficit. There is nothing to
boast about these personalities; they all are equally destructive and need to
be redeemed. And though there is no time
today to look at breaking free, be sure there is a redeemer, there is
redemption. If you feel like your
drowning in some of the mentioned negatives, know that the Lord wants to show a
way out. Next week we will see how we
might experience freedom from these destructive patterns in our lives. Amen.
