A speaker at a woman's club was lecturing on marriage and asked the audience how many of us wanted to "mother" our husbands. One member in the back row raised her hand. "You do want to mother your husband?" the speaker asked. "Mother?" the woman echoed. "I thought you said smother." This is how certain women feel about their husbands. How do certain men feel about their wives? “A young couple went back to the minister who married them. They were on the verge of breaking up. The minister reminded the husband, “But you took her for better or for worse,” “Yeah,” he replied, “but she is worse than I took her for.”
Many enter marriage with a rosy, romantic picture and a set of high expectations. When their expectations are not met they become disappointed, dissatisfied and want to throw in the towel. If you are currently married what do you want in your marriage? Are you enjoying your marriage or simply enduring it? Do you want God’s best in your marriage? God’s best for your marriage is that it is healthy, vibrant and lasting. Barnett Brickner notes, “Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”
Are you trying to change your mate or are you being the right mate in your marriage? A few weeks ago we started a series on the authentic Christian life based on the Epistle of Peter. Authentic Christian living means that we live in right relationships with God and people. Today we will look into how to live out the covenant relationship of a husband and wife. The Apostle Peter shares several KEYS in I Peter 3:1-7 that can unlock health into your marriage. Remember that the dominant theme of the letter of Peter is hope. It is not the wistful optimism that in the end things will turn out all right. The hope found in Peter is the strong hope that rests not on man but on God, the living and the loving God who is known by his mighty acts. So there is hope for your marriage. (Read I Peter 3:1-7)
I. SUBMISSION: (I Pet 3:1, 5, and 6)
In these seven verses we see six of them addressed to women and only one verse to men. The reason? The lives of women were much more socially difficult than men. Many of these women were living in unpleasant circumstances. The first key is submission. Vs 1, “In the same way, you wives be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives.”
The Message Bible, reads, “The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your Holy beauty.” An unbelieving man is won for Christ not by preaching at him but by living a life that is exemplary. When women hear the word submission they cringe don’t they? I don’t blame them, because over the centuries many Christian husbands, leaders and pastors have used I Pet 3:1 to keep women under subordination.
What did Peter mean by “you wives be submissive to your own husbands? Was he saying that wives must become slaves to their husbands as it is done in certain eastern cultures? Or was he suggesting a forceful submission? If you think Peter was harsh, wait until you hear the marriage expert the Apostle Paul. In Eph 5:22-24, “Wives be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the Church…But as the church is subject to Christ so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.”
What can we understand from these two passages? Firstly, these scriptures are not directed towards all the women in general but to the married women. Secondly, submission was to their own husbands not to other men. Thirdly submission is voluntary never forceful. Fourthly, the husband is the head of the wife as Christ was the head of the Church.
In marriage two people constitute a single unit and yet in that one body there are two personalities. These two, if they are going to be united, must have a headship and the head is the man according to God’s creation and ordination. The scripture tells us that there is safety and lack of fear when wives submit to their husbands. But the reality is that some women are terrified of their husbands and don’t want to live with them any more. The other day I watched Dr. Phil’s show on “Bossy Husbands” I was surprised how some husbands can be so bossy, controlling and abusive of their wives. One woman shared how her husband controlled her for 15 years by nitpicking everything she did. He told her what to wear, how much she should eat, and even used a GPS to track her whereabouts! She was fed up living with this overly abusive husband and is ready to throw in the towel. I don’t blame her for thinking that way. If a husband behaves like that, it makes it hard for any wife to submit. But regardless of how hard it may be the scripture tells wives to submit to their own husbands.
When it comes to submission Christ is our model. He submitted to the will of the father and said, “not my will but let yours be done. We realize that submission doesn’t come to us humans naturally isn’t it? It has to be learned. Even Christ being the son of God needed to learn submission through what he suffered. When wives learn to submit to their husbands there is healing, protection, security and they can live without fear. Wives how do you know that you are in submission to your husbands? You are submitting to your husband when you consider his opinions better than yours, respect his authority, let go of your point of view in order to accommodate his, fit into his plans instead of your husband fitting into yours. Are wives the only ones commanded to submit? No! All of us are commanded to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.(Eph 5:21).The second KEY for a healthy marriage is Respect & Love.
II. RESPECT& LOVE: (I Pet 3: 5-6)
I Pet 3:5-6, “For in this way in former times the holy women also hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him lord and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” In this passage we have examples of the holy women who not only submitted to their husbands but also respected them. If any one had a reason to disrespect and rebel against her husband it must have been Sarah, because Abraham couldn’t give her children, provide the security of a home, he kept wandering in the land, he was fearful and told several lies, twice he couldn’t protect her from the hungry men of the land, in spite of all that Sarah went to an extent of calling “Abraham lord.” In the Message Bible it reads, “My dear husband” Now that is truly respect.
Men let’s be honest with ourselves, don’t we all thrive when our wives respect us? I do when my wife respects me at home and in the public. A popular saying goes, “Give respect and get respect” however in marriage it is “give respect and receive love” According to Dr. Emerson & Sarah Engrich an expert on male-female relationships, “Love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. They asked 7,000 people this question: when you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected? 83% of the men said "disrespected." 72% of the women said, "unloved."[1] Another marriage expert Gary Smalley says, “Man hungers for sincere admiration and respect; he will gravitate toward those who admire him.”[2]
Wives! Please take note of this need of your husband. When he is respected he will do anything for you. But if you constantly put him down at home and in the public when some other woman admires and respects him there is a danger that he might gravitate towards her. That is often how affairs develop. How can a wife know when she is disrespecting her husband? Kerry Clarensau gives a few pointers: Wives disrespect their husband when they: “Contradict or question him in front of others, openly criticize him, belittle his work or abilities, complain, constantly remind him of unfinished tasks; compare him negatively with others, respond with rudeness or sarcasm, withhold information, and ignore his needs and desires.”[3]
The key of respect opens the door for affection and love from your husband. Wives please stop criticizing your husband it is demoralizing. In Ephesians 5:33, “Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.” Husbands you are commanded to love your own wives not others wives. Wives please see to that you respect your husbands. Love and respect is not a one time action but it must be repeated again and again.
The more you respect your husband the more love you will receive, the more love you receive the more respect you can give. That is how simple love and respect functions..
III. IMPERISHABLE INNER BEAUTY: (I Pet 3:3-4)
In a world where beauty and glamor seems to rule, women, even Christian women come under tremendous pressure to live up to media’s expectations. Some women spend a whole lot of time in front of a mirror worrying about their looks. I tell this by experience I have four women in my house. How about men, are they any different? There is absolutely nothing wrong with personal grooming, but it is wrong when we are obsessed with it. Peter is not against the outward appearance the styling of hair, wearing make up, jewelry or the branded cloths dresses, but he was concerned about the inner beauty. In Understanding your Mate, Cecil Osborne” talks about eight traits of a neurotic wife. One of them is the narcissistic wife. Osborne says, “A narcissistic person is one who has an inordinate self-love. She is unduly preoccupied with her face, her body, and often with her own interests.”[4]
No matter how beautiful you are or try to look, the outward beauty doesn’t last forever. That is why Peter encourages women to cultivate inner beauty the gentle and quite spirit which is imperishable and of greater worth before God. George Wood notes, “When a wife has a difficult husband, she may let her inner beauty fade by becoming argumentative, hostile, aggressive in an unwholesome sense or domineering. Her attempts to change her husband denigrate into nagging. The more she nags the more he resists.”[5] The wife needs to calm down and have a quite spirit. A quiet spirit doesn’t mean a doormat personality nor does it mean silence it means a spirit at rest. When the woman is at rest with in herself she creates a warm and friendly atmosphere at home. So far we talked about the KEYS that wives should use, how about KEYS that husbands should use?
IV. LIVING, KNOWING AND HONORING: (I Peter 3:7)
Peter addresses both wives and husbands with an identical phrase “like wise or in the same way.” Whose example should they follow? It is the example of Christ (I Pet 2:21) Husbands, how are we to follow Christ’s example? Peter gave three strong commands for husbands: live with your wife, know your wife and honor your wife. We are to live with our wives, not with some one else’s wife. I understand, that after a days work when husbands come home they want to have some down time. Watching a bit of TV, surfing the Internet for a while is OK but watching the late night shows, or staying up all night on the Internet is never justified. Your wife needs you and you need adequate sleep to be fresh the next day at your work.
Just this weekend Wilma and I were out at a Pastor Spouse retreat without the children One of the things I learned is how important it generally is for wives to have undivided, quality time with their husbands. We need to give thought to this as husbands. Ask your wife what would bless her on a daily and weekly basis in your marriage? What would fill your wives love tank? Wives are usually reasonable, they won’t ask you for a cruise to the Bahamas all they may ask you is to help clear up after dinner, have a coffee together or play a game together or just let her share her heart.
Secondly, we are to know that our wives are weaker vessels or weaker physically. In Greek the word for weak was never used with the meaning of moral weakness but only in a physical sense. In other words they are strong in their determination but physically they are weak compared to men. Though the modern women may object to this phrase but in its obvious sense it is true. Therefore husbands treat your wives with dignity and tenderness. Thirdly we are to honor them as the fellow heirs of God’s grace. Women are no different when it comes to receiving God’s grace. They are equal partners with us in life, running of the family and in ministry. These keys are available for every couple. The health of your marriage depends on how frequently you will be using them. Amen
[1] http://loveandrespect.com/about-us/
[2] Kerry Clarensau, “Secrets: Transforming Your life and Marriage” Page 64
[3] Kerry Clarensau, “Secrets: Transforming Your Life and Marriage, page, 66
[4] Cecil Osborne, “ Understanding Your Mate” Page, 201
[5] George Wood, “ Enrichment Magazine” Winter 2009 page 18
