A Healthy Home By God's Design

                                                    A HEALTHY HOME BY GOD'S DESIGN

A brief stroll through Amazon's list of parenting books reveals no shortage of experts telling us how to raise our children. The problem is, these experts often contradict one another. A book by Ann Hulbert and another by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner summarize some of the experts who offer conflicting approaches to raising children:

One expert emphasizes the importance of training a baby to sleep alone through the night. Otherwise, sleep deprivation might "negatively impact an infant's developing central nervous system" and lead to learning disabilities. However, advocates of co-sleeping warn that sleeping alone is harmful to a baby's psyche and that the baby should be brought into the family bed.

One so-called expert favored early stimulation through interaction. One hundred years earlier, however, another expert cautioned that a baby is not a plaything. There should be "no forcing, no pressure, no undue stimulation" during a child's first two years of life. This expert also believed that a crying baby should never be picked up unless it is in pain. A baby should be left to cry for fifteen to thirty minutes a day: "It is the baby's exercise."

Other advice proclaims that breastfeeding is the only way to guarantee a healthy, intellectually advanced child – unless bottle-feeding is the answer. One expert says a baby should always be put to sleep on its back – until it is decreed that it should only sleep on its stomach.[1]

You can't follow everyone's advice. You can only raise your kids one way. You have to choose which way that will be. Our Heavenly Father offers guidance in the Bible on how we should raise our children. Let's learn what constitutes a Healthy Home from the One who thought it up in the first place.  Ideally, a home starts with Marriage and a desire to build a family.

I. A Healthy Marriage Builds a Healthy Home

God instituted Marriage in the Garden of Eden when he said, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." Genesis 2:24.

Later on, Jesus reaffirmed what God the Father did by saying, "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Matthew 19:4-5.

When two distinctly different individuals, a male and a female, come together in Marriage and become one flesh, this usually results in having children. In some cases, they may not be able to conceive children; that doesn't make them any less valuable than those who do. In a healthy marriage, there is forgiveness, communication, and cooperation. 

A healthy marriage doesn't mean there will never be any misunderstanding or conflict.  What matters is a language of forgiveness and apology; it can be as simple as, "Honey, I'm sorry for the way I responded; please forgive me." It is important that the one who asks forgiveness hears, "I forgive you."  We want to keep short accounts and not let tensions build up. 

 In a healthy marriage, communication flows easily.  I am so sad when I hear from couples where there is constant conflict in the home. There's an icy atmosphere. They don't seem to enjoy talking to each other, listen to each other, or make uninterrupted time for each other. There should be room to share each other's concerns and burdens, as well as joys and hopes.

My encouragement is: "Be each other's biggest cheerleader"; appreciate the small things your wife or husband faithfully does for you. Don't take each other for granted. In a healthy marriage, there is cooperation.  In former generations, the male and female roles were so much more clearly defined.  Men worked outside, and a woman's place was inside the home.

Nowadays, in most homes, the woman works outside as well; this has brought a tremendous shift in our society and, in my opinion, not always for the better.  It is important to be aware of some of the mental models from our families of origin that we carry. Maybe your Mom was a homemaker who cooked three fresh meals a day. If a husband in today's world expects that of a full-time working wife, you may have some tensions. What do you think?  It is really challenging today, isn't it, with the children's school, sports, and maybe other extracurricular activities. Have conversations about how to make things work. 

I have difficulty with men who think they are entitled, and all the household work has to be done by the wife.  Understand each other's stressors and support one another. In a healthy marriage, husband and wife honor their wedding vows and remain faithful and loyal to their spouse by maintaining sexual purity and not having affairs with other men or women. "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4. How are you maintaining purity in your Marriage? If you violate your wedding vows, remember God will judge you.

II. Unconditional Love Keeps a Home Together

Psalm 127 reminds us that if God doesn't build a healthy home, everything we do to create one is in vain. God has blessed you with children, a heritage from the Lord. Psalm 127:3. We recognize that our children are a gift from God; they are not a commodity to use or abuse for our selfish agendas. We are to love them and train them responsibly with God's help.

First, we must recognize that our love for each other brought us together in Marriage, and God blessed our union by giving us children. Unfortunately, many couples don't show that love toward their children; they terminate them before they are even born or abuse them once they are born irresponsibly. But in a healthy home, Christian parents love their children unconditionally. Group discussion: What does it mean to love a child unconditionally? (Five minutes).

We are to love unconditionally because God loves us unconditionally. He showed it this way: Romans 5:8, But God demonstrated his own love for us this way: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." God's unconditional love for sinners doesn't mean He never judges them. He gives plenty of opportunities for sinners to repent and turn to God, but if they refuse to do so, in the end He will righteously judge them and send some to Heaven and others to Hell.

Similarly, loving children unconditionally doesn't mean endlessly giving them what they want and never setting boundaries or correcting them when they do wrong. Our love for our children should never be based on their performance. I have heard of parents who severely punish children for getting any grade below an A+. What does that communicate to a child?

Even when they get bad grades, we love them because God loves us when we perform poorly. Do we tell our children we love them?  They do need to hear that from us. When God wanted to tell the whole world that He loved Jesus, He said it so loudly at the time of His baptism, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." Matthew 3:17

III. Training up Children responsibly makes a Healthy Home.

            Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he grows older, he will not abandon it." Group Discussion: What does training a child in the home look like?

From the time our children are born, we only have a short window of time, at most ten years, to train them well. As Christian parents, when it comes to training our children, we often think of teaching them Bible verses to memorize, praying before meals, and taking them to Church on Sundays. Training them well at home constitutes all that and much more.

Jesus' earthly parents, Joseph & Mary, did a great job in training young Jesus in a home of at least six siblings (four brothers and two sisters). Mark 6:3: It was said that "Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man."

Their training may have included teaching the Hebrew Scriptures. Deut 6:6-7: "These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." This Judaic way of training a child gives us a model to follow. It is not a classroom-type impartation, but it happens while you engage in mundane work and activities.

For example, while driving your child to a music lesson or soccer game, doing chores at home, or helping with homework, you have plenty of opportunities to model and teach godly ways. Train them while they are young!  Part of training is clarifying expectations and setting boundaries or limits.  That could mean that before going to the store, a party, or maybe church, you talk with the children about what you expect of them. 

Johnny, when we go to the store, don't ask me for chocolate or candy; we will have a snack when we get back home.  Before coming to church, during worship, I want you to sit with Mommy and Daddy; you are not going to play with other children until Sunday school time.  So we set certain boundaries, let them know our expectations, and stay consistent.  

This will only work if both parents are on the same page about expectations, training, discipline, and how it is implemented.  Otherwise, our children figure out our weakness and play them to their advantage. Let's say instead of doing homework, your 7-year-old comes to Dad and says, "I want to play so-and-so video game." Dad says no, and the child then goes to Mom, who says it's okay.  Then the tussle starts, and the child becomes a manipulator who sets the parents up against each other.  Watch for the child trap, and stay a strong, united team.

Sometimes, when your child is struggling behaviorally, it means their "emotional love tank" is empty. What do I mean by that? Children have a soul hunger for eye contact, affection, and affirmation from their parents; if they don't get it, they will often act out to get attention. One last thing! Be careful with excessive screen time. A recent study shows, "Kids who have their own smartphones at age 12 are more likely to develop eating disorder symptoms than their peers without the devices." Parents, establish no-cellphone times and engage with them constructively. God, by design, wants us to build a healthy Home. A healthy marriage, unconditional love, and responsible training of our children constitute a Healthy Home. Amen!

 

 

 

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[1] Ann Hulbert, “Raising America: Experts, Parents, and a Century of Advice About Children (Vintage, 2004), page 298; Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, “Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything” (William Morrow, 2009), page 148

An Open Invitation To Prayer

                                                             AN OPEN INVITATION OF PRAYER

 

Desiring Less Than What God Can Give

In his book The Divine Commodity, Skye Jethani shares a story from a trip he took to India with his Father. While walking the streets of New Delhi, a little boy approached them. He was "skinny as a rail, and naked but for tattered blue shorts. His legs were stiff and contorted, like a wire hanger twisted upon itself." Because of his condition, the little boy could only waddle along on his calloused knees. He made his way toward Skye and his Father and cried out, "One rupee, please! One rupee!" Skye describes what happened when his Father eventually responded to the boy's persistent begging:

"What do you want?" [My Father asked]. "One rupee (one Quarter), sir," the boy said while motioning his hand to his mouth and bowing his head in deference. My Father laughed.

"How about I give you five rupees?" he said. The boy's submissive countenance suddenly became defiant. He retracted his hand and sneered at us. He thought my Father was joking and laughed at his expense. After all, no one would willingly give up five rupees. The boy started shuffling away, mumbling curses under his breath.

My Father reached into his pocket. Hearing the coins jingle, the boy stopped and looked back over his shoulder. My Father was holding out a five-rupee note (five-dollar bill). He approached the stunned boy and placed the coin into his hand. The boy didn't move or say a word. He just stared at the coin in his hand. We passed him and crossed the street.

A moment later, the shouting resumed, except this time the boy was yelling, "Thank you! Thank you, sir! Bless you!" He raced after us again—not for more money, but to touch my Father's feet.

This, I imagine, is how our God sees us—as miserable creatures in desperate need of his help. But instead of asking for what we truly need, instead of desiring what he is able and willing to give, we settle for lesser things.[1]

After addressing his disciples on how to relate rightly to our brothers and sisters in the family of God, as well as to all people, Jesus gave "An Open Invitation of Prayer." As Madame Guyon noted, "Everyone is capable of praying, but many have the mistaken idea that they are not called to Prayer. Just as we are called to salvation, we are called to Prayer."[2] We will look at the three aspects that make Prayer simple, accessible, and sustainable. Matthew 7:7-11

Though Prayer is a vital Kingdom Principle, most Christians don't pray. Only a few people attend our prayer meetings. One flimsy excuse we offer is that we are busy and don't have time. Yet many of us spend a lot of time scrolling through Reddit threads, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, or getting into political arguments on Twitter. Why don't we Christians pray?

Taylor Staton points out some obstacles that hinder Christians from praying: 1. We don't pray for fear of being naïve. 2. We don't pray for fear of silence. 3. We don't pray for fear of selfish motives. 4. Of all these, most people struggle with this: we don't pray for fear of doing it wrong. He goes on to say, "The only way you get it wrong is by trying to get it right." In the wise words of Candler School of Theology professor emerita Roberta Bondi, "If you are praying, you are already doing it right."[3] Jesus used three verbs to explain how we should approach Prayer.

 

 

 Matthew 7:7: "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you." In a world full of uncertainty and chaos, Jesus' promise is the most assured thing we can rely on. This command carries a certainty that requires repeated, ongoing action from a believer to receive the blessings that accompany the promise.

Prayer is an open invitation from God for all people, even more so for God's children. Vs. 8: For everyone who asks receives, the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks the door will be opened. If you respond to this invitation, you will be blessed; if you ignore it, you do so only to your peril. Prayer in its simplest form is talking to God as we talk to our closest friend.

I. Ask, and it will be given to you.

Biblically, the word "ask" means to request, to beg for arms; it is seeking help from an inferior to a superior, etc. In its simplest form, Prayer is asking God for help in our helplessness. God invites us to ask or call in Him in Prayer, which fosters a dependence on Him, as it should.

Jeremiah 33:3: "Call to me, and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Psalm 86:6: "Hear my Prayer, LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me." When you are struggling with what and how to pray, turn to the prayers of God's people like Abraham, Moses, Hannah, Hagar, and particularly the Psalms of David, as they give you inspiration and language of Prayer to God.

Asking God in Prayer doesn't always have to be in words; at times you can't find the words to pray because of pain and agony. All you can muster is to cry out loud in pain. Psalm 55:16-17: "As for me, I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice." Psalm 34:6, This poor (afflicted) man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles." NASB

The newborn babies, before they could articulate and learn to trust their parents they weep and cry to meet their needs for food and pain. Similarly, Prayer emerges spontaneously in the midst of pain and suffering. God, our heavenly Father, hears our cries and responds. Tyler Staton notes, "Prayer is a journey that starts with need and ends in relationship."[4]

Jesus highlighted the Father-child relationship in prayer in Matthew 7:9-11. Though our earthly fathers, being evil, give us good gifts, how much more will our heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him?  Let us ask our heavenly Father confidently what we need. I have seen God provide many times. Ex: Dental Needs. I also experienced unanswered prayers.

II. Seek, and you will find

Matthew 7:7b: "Seek and you will find. The one who seeks finds." This verb in Scripture often refers to God himself and His Kingdom. Jer 29:13: "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." When we earnestly seek Him, we will find him in the end.

In Ch 16:11, the Psalmist made seeking God his earnest pursuit. "You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water." We come to God in asking; we grow in our relationship with our Father. When we seek God more than the gifts, we will receive the greatest gift, God Himself. "Prayer enlarges the heart until it is capable of containing God's gift of himself. Ask and seek, and your heart will grow big enough to receive him and keep him as your own." Writes Mother Teresa."[5]

God is more eager to reveal himself to us than we are eager to seek Him. He even reveals himself to those who do not seek Him. Isaiah 65:1: “I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me; I was found by those who did not seek me. Jesus is appearing to Muslims in dreams.

 

III. Knock, and the door will be opened. (Shameless Audacity)

Knock, the final verb in this teaching on prayer, signifies our desperation and persistent attitude in prayer. Jesus used an illustration to encourage persistence in prayer. Luke 11:5-8. A friend had a midnight visitor. This friend had nothing to feed him, which was shameful in those days. He went to another friend, knocked at the door, and repeatedly asked for bread.

Though he initially rejected his pleas, he eventually got up and gave him as much as he needed because of his shameless audacity. This illustrates that whatever our need may be, we come to God, knocking in prayer with shameless audacity until God answers. When he does, he gives us all that we need.  Yet sometimes, no matter how hard we knock, the door of provision may remain shut. What do we do then? Sometimes a closed door is as good as an open door.

God invites us all to pray to Him as we would talk with a close friend. Our asking, seeking, and knocking in prayer are not a one-time thing but should be continuous. When we linger in God’s presence through prayer, He gives Himself to us more than He gives gifts.

 

 

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[1] Skye Jethani, The Divine Commodity (Zondervan, 2009), pp. 113-114

[2] Madame Guyon, Experiencing God Through Prayer, Page 11

[3] Tyler Staton, “Praying Like Monks, Living Like Fools, Pages 13-22

[4] Tyler Staton, “Praying Like Monks, Living Like Fools, Page 170

[5] Tyler Staton, “Praying Like Monks, Living Like Fools, Page 172

Do Not Judge Others

                                                          DO NOT JUDGE OTHERS

Matthew 7:1-6

When Eugene Peterson Yelled at a Child Picking Flowers

The late pastor and writer Eugene Peterson once told a story about walking in Yellowstone Park with his wife and three children. Peterson wrote:

As my family and I were walking through a mountain meadow in Yellowstone Park, a little boy of four or five, about 30 yards out in the meadow, was picking exquisite alpine flowers. It is against the rules to pick flowers in national parks. I was outraged. I yelled at him, "Don't pick the flowers." He stood wide-eyed, innocent and terrified. He dropped the flowers and started crying.

You can imagine what happened next. My wife and children, especially my children, were all over me. "Daddy, what you did was far worse than what he did! He was just picking a few flowers, and you yelled; you scared him. You ruined him. He is probably going to have to go for counseling when he's 40 years old." My children were right. You cannot yell people into holiness. You cannot terrify people into the sacred. My yelling was a far worse violation of the holy place than his picking a few flowers. Later, I had plenty of opportunity to reflect on this, as my children frequently reminded me.

I do that a lot: bluster and yell on behalf of God's holy presence, instead of taking off my shoes myself, kneeling on holy ground, and inviting whoever happens to be around to join me.

He added, "If we begin by formulating a problem, by identifying a need, by tackling a necessary job, by launching a program, we reduce the reality that is before us to what we can do or get others to do." Peterson concludes that everything we do in the Christian life must begin with adoration, wonder, and worship.[1]

            This humble admission from one of the most successful pastors of our time reflects our self-righteous attitude toward others who are different, less powerful, or more vulnerable than we are. It exposes the holier-than-thou mindset of certain Christians. They may have good intentions and be zealous to protect the sanctity of our Christian faith, but, without realizing it, may be damaging the souls of people created in the image of God. After encouraging His followers individually and collectively to Seek First the Kingdom, He addressed a prevailing tendency to judge others and a hypocritical attitude. "DO NOT JUDGE OTHERS" Matthew 7:1-6

I. Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

Matthew 7:1, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." The underlying theme of these verses is how we are to relate to people in general properly, and even more so to those who belong to the family of God. Some read this biblical command literally and think, "I must never judge lest I be judged"; thinking so, they avoid all forms of judgment. They believe every doctrine, never using God-given discernment to find out what is right and what is wrong.

This Scripture does not mean we must avoid judgment altogether. Scripture is consistent: as children of God, we must use sound judgment about what is acceptable to God and whether it is beneficial or harmful. Here is some advice that would keep us out of a lot of trouble.

Proverbs 3:21-24, "My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."

What did our Lord mean when he commanded his followers, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged "? The Greek word for "judge" has several meanings, depending on the context. In this context, it means, "To judge, pass sentence, or give one's opinion in a private manner. Let's look at other scriptures where the word judge carries a similar meaning.

Luke 6:37: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Jesus exposed the faulty standards of judgment of the Pharisees. John 8:15: "You judge by human standards; I pass judgment on no one. But if I do judge, my decisions are true, because I am not alone. I stand with the Father who sent me."  

As Martyn Lloyd-Jones notes, "The man who is guilty of judging, in the sense in which our Lord uses the term here, is the man who is hypercritical, which means that he delights in criticism for its own sake and enjoys it. He approaches anything which he is asked to criticize expecting to find faults, almost hoping to find them."[2]

 

The Pharisees were hypercritical of Jesus in all He did. They held wrong views of Him because He hung out with sinners. They misunderstood His true intentions and called Him names. How many of us are guilty of being hypercritical? We form certain, often negative, opinions of people who are different from us or hold different ideological or religious views. Those opinions may be private, yet in our hearts we pass judgment and condemn them to hell.

We hold Prejudices or stereotypes against certain people or races. Prejudice means "an unfair and unreasonable opinion or feeling, especially when formed without enough thought or knowledge."[3] When we judge others, we must exercise righteous judgment. Here is what it looks like. John 7:24: "Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly."

A Baptist minister and the civil rights leader, Martin Luther King Jr., rightly noted how we are to judge people: "Judge people not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. To judge correctly, it doesn't happen at first glance.

To get to know that individual and find out what kind of person they are, we need to spend time with them; it takes time. If you are in the habit of judging people based on their outward appearances, hold off! Usually, those of us who are in the habit of hypercriticism of others can't handle it when others treat us the same way.

Therefore, if you don't want to be judged wrongly by others, we must stop judging them and treat them with respect even when we don't agree with them. We would save ourselves from heartache if we follow Jesus' command, Matthew 7:1: "Don't pick on people. Jump on their failures and criticize their faults unless, of course, you want the same treatment." (The Message)

II. The Speck and The Log

Matthew 7:3-4, "And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? (NLT). The Lord's argument here is that our own condition is such that we are quite incapable of helping others.

At times we focus on people's little faults, which amount to a speck, and we jump to fix them while ignoring a log-sized sin of our own: hypercriticism. The Lord condemns such a hypocritical attitude, saying, Vs 5, "Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye." How true this statement is.

The principle here is: before trying to fix other people's minor faults, first deal with your own big sin of judgementalism. The fact is that we are not really concerned about helping our brothers and sisters in the family; we are only interested in condemning them. We pretend to care about helping while our motivation may be condemnation. The Lord sees what is in our hearts.

III. Exercising Spiritual Discernment:

After addressing these two wrong ways of relating and dealing with primarily our brothers and sisters within God's family, Jesus concluded with this statement: Matthew 7:6, "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."  After all we have heard from Jesus about not wrongly judging people and not being a hypocrite while trying to help others, this statement seems to contradict his message. Not really! It encourages us to use spiritual discernment.

As we share the most valuable and holy message of the gospel of love, we must discern where people are: Are they open or closed, hostile or friendly? Are they proud? Accordingly, we share the truth. We need the Holy Spirit's help to exercise this spiritual discernment. 

 

 

 

 

 

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[1] Eugene Peterson, Subversive Spirituality, “Teach Us to Care, and not to Care,” (Eerdmans, 1997), pp. 154-169 9-16-2026

[2]  Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Studies in the Sermon on the Mount, page432

[3] https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/prejudice